Whelp, another weekend has gone by and it is Monday once again. To piggy back on my last Tea Talk on Seasonal Friendships, over the weekend I was reflecting a lot on the roles we take on in our relationships with people. As I mentioned in that post, we all take on different types of roles and expect different things from the people in our lives. I tend to be the shoulder to cry on, all in and invested, I have your back, let me check on you during your time of need type of person in peoples lives. This is the tone I've set. Sometimes being all of these things for others leads to disappointment, because it's not always reciprocated. I often end up getting the short end of the stick or let down when I need people to show up for me.
I've always been a trusted source for those who know me. People tend to tell me things they wouldn't tell anyone else; they trust me and my opinion. With that, I know it's hard to share certain things and I'm always honored to be that person for many, many people. It's funny because I've always thought of my Mom as the peace-maker, gentle-hearted, hold the family together, let me guide you type of person and the older I get, the more I'm realizing that I'm morphing into that too. Something about us says, bare your soul and we shall make everything better. Again, it's truly an honor. But then there's me. I tend to hold things tight to my chest. So while people are sharing their deepest fears, regrets and sorrows with me, I tend to sit back and let it be about them. Sometimes I feel that I am a millennial with silent generation/baby boomer tendencies. On a weekly basis, I intervene and help a lot of people. It can be at work (my job basically is to help students), family, friends... sometimes I notice random people I just met in a store telling me their life story. This is a pattern I noticed not too long ago. I basically set the tone for my relationships with people to be this way because to be honest, I don't want to the focus to be on me most of the time. Which is probably the introvert in me but in a lot of ways I have a very "old school" way of thinking, which is keep your private life private. And that's what I do. I also tend to know feelings can be temporary, so I don't like to bother many people with my "stuff" when I know the next day I will have worked through whatever it was and be on the mend. Or at least have put a band-aid on it.
Now let's go back to where I said, I set the tone for my relationships with people to be this way. From day-to-day, this is totally fine. I don't want to over share, I don't want to talk about my deepest thoughts, and I have no desire to get all "TMI" but being that I am not superhuman, there are some rare days where I am having a total "wtf, I need someone to listen to me" moment! Again, let's go back to where I said, I set the tone. So since I don't talk about my personal life on a deep level everyday/often, when I do need to talk to someone, it's not taken seriously by most people (not all, but most). I also don't think people realize how hard it is for me to open up to begin with, so to then get shut down is a big "I knew I should've dealt with this alone". It often blows my mind how I can be a support for so many people, and then on those occasions where I need someone to give me that same pep talk I gave them last week, I get a "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" and the conversation shifts back to them. I'm sure that sounds confusing, I mean I just said I'm a private person and I don't like to over share and now I'm saying, but some days I do lol. Right, I know! I've gone over this in my head many times. But again, I'm not a superhuman. It kinda sucks some days. The worst is when I have my own "stuff" going on but I have to step up for someone else because in my brain, their problems are more important than my own. I then channel my energy into fixing things for someone else, which in some ways gets my mind off of my own "stuff". A part of me thinks it's a part of what God wants me to do, be a vessel for others. And I'm all for it, but everyone needs someone sometimes.
I'm blessed to say that I haven't had a hard life at all, but that doesn't mean I don't have "stuff". I deal with anxiety, I still deal with the ramifications of being bullied for almost a decade and what that does to your mindset, I deal with family dramas and trying to keep the peace, I deal with mourning the loss of friendships, I deal the loss of my grandmother, I deal with being a 20-something which is such a weird decade of constant growth and finding yourself. I mean none of that is the end of the world, like I said I'm blessed but it's my own "stuff". My stuff is important too, right? I knew it was bad when this even started to happen to me at work. Just because I carry myself in a certain way, even my Boss doesn't find the need to check on me or take me seriously when I'm sick or having a hard time. Not the same way he does with others. Everything's a joke. He even comes to me to vent about random things he has going on, but never a "how are you?" I'd be lying if I didn't say sometimes it makes me feel unnoticed, unheard, and disregarded. I reflected on a day a few years ago where I was having horrible hives and felt like my allergies were going to take me out (partially due to stress) and I asked to go home, but since I'm the "tough one" it was a "you'll be okay kiddo, I need you to do this first"... by the time I got done, it was time for the work day to be over. Again, I set the tone. But isn't it common sense? That everyone needs someone to care, to check on them, to say "hey, you look a little down?"
Maybe it's not. Maybe I come off as such a Iron Woman that people don't even think twice (again, not all, but most). Maybe I have such a great Poker Face that nobody can see that some days I'm on the verge of tears because life is overwhelming AF. Maybe, just maybe, I set the tone. It's amazing how we get older, and things become clearer because these are all the wonderful qualities I've always seen in my Mom but at the same time, I've always said, "Mom you take on too much, worry about yourself... nobody seems to checks on you, so why are you worried about them?"... and here I am in the same position. My Mom's response is always, that's okay, God will bless us for the things we do for others. Which is, is true but still unfair. Did I mention how amazing my Mom is already?
Most people think it's not good to show emotion but I've learned it's also not good to not show emotion, because these are the end results; facing things on your own. There has to be a balance that I haven't mastered just yet. I guess the take away is, even if you have set the tone in your relationships, it's okay to still need support, a hug, someone to listen to you vent. It's not a sign of defeat or weakness. You're not superhuman. I am not superhuman. One thing I've learned this year is that, while I'm making sure to take care of everyone else, I can't forget about myself. And just because the tone has been set, doesn't mean I can't change the tone.
I've always been a trusted source for those who know me. People tend to tell me things they wouldn't tell anyone else; they trust me and my opinion. With that, I know it's hard to share certain things and I'm always honored to be that person for many, many people. It's funny because I've always thought of my Mom as the peace-maker, gentle-hearted, hold the family together, let me guide you type of person and the older I get, the more I'm realizing that I'm morphing into that too. Something about us says, bare your soul and we shall make everything better. Again, it's truly an honor. But then there's me. I tend to hold things tight to my chest. So while people are sharing their deepest fears, regrets and sorrows with me, I tend to sit back and let it be about them. Sometimes I feel that I am a millennial with silent generation/baby boomer tendencies. On a weekly basis, I intervene and help a lot of people. It can be at work (my job basically is to help students), family, friends... sometimes I notice random people I just met in a store telling me their life story. This is a pattern I noticed not too long ago. I basically set the tone for my relationships with people to be this way because to be honest, I don't want to the focus to be on me most of the time. Which is probably the introvert in me but in a lot of ways I have a very "old school" way of thinking, which is keep your private life private. And that's what I do. I also tend to know feelings can be temporary, so I don't like to bother many people with my "stuff" when I know the next day I will have worked through whatever it was and be on the mend. Or at least have put a band-aid on it.
Now let's go back to where I said, I set the tone for my relationships with people to be this way. From day-to-day, this is totally fine. I don't want to over share, I don't want to talk about my deepest thoughts, and I have no desire to get all "TMI" but being that I am not superhuman, there are some rare days where I am having a total "wtf, I need someone to listen to me" moment! Again, let's go back to where I said, I set the tone. So since I don't talk about my personal life on a deep level everyday/often, when I do need to talk to someone, it's not taken seriously by most people (not all, but most). I also don't think people realize how hard it is for me to open up to begin with, so to then get shut down is a big "I knew I should've dealt with this alone". It often blows my mind how I can be a support for so many people, and then on those occasions where I need someone to give me that same pep talk I gave them last week, I get a "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" and the conversation shifts back to them. I'm sure that sounds confusing, I mean I just said I'm a private person and I don't like to over share and now I'm saying, but some days I do lol. Right, I know! I've gone over this in my head many times. But again, I'm not a superhuman. It kinda sucks some days. The worst is when I have my own "stuff" going on but I have to step up for someone else because in my brain, their problems are more important than my own. I then channel my energy into fixing things for someone else, which in some ways gets my mind off of my own "stuff". A part of me thinks it's a part of what God wants me to do, be a vessel for others. And I'm all for it, but everyone needs someone sometimes.
I'm blessed to say that I haven't had a hard life at all, but that doesn't mean I don't have "stuff". I deal with anxiety, I still deal with the ramifications of being bullied for almost a decade and what that does to your mindset, I deal with family dramas and trying to keep the peace, I deal with mourning the loss of friendships, I deal the loss of my grandmother, I deal with being a 20-something which is such a weird decade of constant growth and finding yourself. I mean none of that is the end of the world, like I said I'm blessed but it's my own "stuff". My stuff is important too, right? I knew it was bad when this even started to happen to me at work. Just because I carry myself in a certain way, even my Boss doesn't find the need to check on me or take me seriously when I'm sick or having a hard time. Not the same way he does with others. Everything's a joke. He even comes to me to vent about random things he has going on, but never a "how are you?" I'd be lying if I didn't say sometimes it makes me feel unnoticed, unheard, and disregarded. I reflected on a day a few years ago where I was having horrible hives and felt like my allergies were going to take me out (partially due to stress) and I asked to go home, but since I'm the "tough one" it was a "you'll be okay kiddo, I need you to do this first"... by the time I got done, it was time for the work day to be over. Again, I set the tone. But isn't it common sense? That everyone needs someone to care, to check on them, to say "hey, you look a little down?"
Maybe it's not. Maybe I come off as such a Iron Woman that people don't even think twice (again, not all, but most). Maybe I have such a great Poker Face that nobody can see that some days I'm on the verge of tears because life is overwhelming AF. Maybe, just maybe, I set the tone. It's amazing how we get older, and things become clearer because these are all the wonderful qualities I've always seen in my Mom but at the same time, I've always said, "Mom you take on too much, worry about yourself... nobody seems to checks on you, so why are you worried about them?"... and here I am in the same position. My Mom's response is always, that's okay, God will bless us for the things we do for others. Which is, is true but still unfair. Did I mention how amazing my Mom is already?
Most people think it's not good to show emotion but I've learned it's also not good to not show emotion, because these are the end results; facing things on your own. There has to be a balance that I haven't mastered just yet. I guess the take away is, even if you have set the tone in your relationships, it's okay to still need support, a hug, someone to listen to you vent. It's not a sign of defeat or weakness. You're not superhuman. I am not superhuman. One thing I've learned this year is that, while I'm making sure to take care of everyone else, I can't forget about myself. And just because the tone has been set, doesn't mean I can't change the tone.
"Hug the hurt, kiss the broken, befriend the lost, love the lonely"
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