Happy Hump Day! Not going to lie, I've been so out of it this week. For one, I'm tired. The past few days I've been trying to go to bed before my usual 11:00pm but I've been focused on finishing a scarf that I've been working on and always lose track of time. Secondly, some weeks, I just feel meh. Not sad, not angry, not emotional. I'm content but just meh. Almost like I'm on cruise control trying to get to Friday. Trying to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, so that I can relax my brain and not have to think about work and what I need to do. It bothers me that I don't have enough time to do all the things but that's not a realistic goal.
I'm one of those people who is always thinking about the next thing, which is good & bad. Good because I'm always prepared but bad because I'm always worrying about the "what if's". I also tend to be a pessimist in most areas, I use it as a defense mechanism. But having that mentality causes a lot of worry and stress at times. I basically rattle my own brain. I've realized this earlier in the year and it's been something I've been actively working on. Again, as I say in every post, I'm a work in progress. I'm proud of the progress I've made since I've had this revelation but I still have a way to go. With all of that being said, the content on anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said in a previous post, I don't remember anyone talking about how anxious they were when I was growing up, except for maybe when you had to do a class presentation (I hated that by the way). Some people think that anxiety is an entirely made up concept, that people trick themselves into thinking they're anxious... that it's just another "thing" the youth has come up with. But maybe, it was always there.
I think we are just in a time where people aren't afraid to say it, whatever their "it" may be. For me, it's that I deal with anxiety and have been for the past few years. Probably since I was in college from what I can remember but in all honesty, I may have had it in K-12 too but like I said, nobody talked about it and there wasn't a name for it, at least not that I was aware of at the time. In my adult life, it's gotten worse. Especially in social settings, or weeks like this, when I'm feeling meh. Feeling out of control, feeling like I have a ton of things to get done and wondering if it'll all fall into place. It's not a feeling that I'd wish on someone, that's for sure. No one should randomly have moments where they feel that they are at a crippling stop, having heart palpation's and trying to figure what triggered that feeling all of a sudden. It's not fun.
Since this is my truth, I know it's real, for me at least. But it never fails that there is someone who looks at me like, "do you really have anxiety"? And I almost want to go, do you really think I'd make this up, do I need to pass out to prove it to you, do you want to feel my heart racing? It's no different than any other illness that has popped up over the last century. I'm pretty sure people were anxious even back in Biblical times. I can see it clearly when I read my bible that even since the beginning of time, people struggled with these feelings of uncertainty and worry, and yet it's 2019 and people don't get it. And them not getting it, makes me not get them...
For me, a lot of it is lack of control. Which is why I plan ahead the way I do, to try to remain somewhat in control of my life. Sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't. Granted, God is ultimately in control of my life anyway so all of my stressing is in vein but doesn't stop my brain from going astray. Again, this is my story, so that is my personal belief. I've learned that sometimes shit happens and you can't predict the future. I can't guess that tomorrow I may come to work and be asked to do a manual report that takes 5 hours... but something like that would trigger anxiety for me. So again, for me, a lot of it has been changing the way I think. Which is easier said than done, and I'm still working on it everyday. I'm also trying to not be so pessimistic all the time. Which is also ironic because when it comes to myself, I am the biggest pessimist but when I'm advising others, I am the biggest optimist lol. Backwards, right? But this is the stuff we do as humans. I'm human.
I've realized that this is something I will have to continue to work on, maybe forever. It's not just going to go away. Everyday I wake up praying for a clear mind to see things as they are and not how I think they may be. Now that I've sat down and really looked at it, I know how to manage it a lot better when I do have moments of anxiety. At times I am quiet to clear my head, others I want to talk & talk, I journal, I just go home and sing loudly, I dance badly until I am sweating, I do yoga, I go for a drive, I drink my tea, and sometimes I just pray those negative feelings away until I am at peace again. Those are things that work for me. But for others, this may look a lot different. It's all about what works for you and what will help you get through the day, and it's okay that it takes time to figure that out.
I guess my point is, Yes, We..I.. people really have anxiety. No, it's not made up. Yes, sometimes it's probably something I cause myself at times but sometimes, it's situational. No, it's not for attention. And YES, I'm working on it.
I'm one of those people who is always thinking about the next thing, which is good & bad. Good because I'm always prepared but bad because I'm always worrying about the "what if's". I also tend to be a pessimist in most areas, I use it as a defense mechanism. But having that mentality causes a lot of worry and stress at times. I basically rattle my own brain. I've realized this earlier in the year and it's been something I've been actively working on. Again, as I say in every post, I'm a work in progress. I'm proud of the progress I've made since I've had this revelation but I still have a way to go. With all of that being said, the content on anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said in a previous post, I don't remember anyone talking about how anxious they were when I was growing up, except for maybe when you had to do a class presentation (I hated that by the way). Some people think that anxiety is an entirely made up concept, that people trick themselves into thinking they're anxious... that it's just another "thing" the youth has come up with. But maybe, it was always there.
I think we are just in a time where people aren't afraid to say it, whatever their "it" may be. For me, it's that I deal with anxiety and have been for the past few years. Probably since I was in college from what I can remember but in all honesty, I may have had it in K-12 too but like I said, nobody talked about it and there wasn't a name for it, at least not that I was aware of at the time. In my adult life, it's gotten worse. Especially in social settings, or weeks like this, when I'm feeling meh. Feeling out of control, feeling like I have a ton of things to get done and wondering if it'll all fall into place. It's not a feeling that I'd wish on someone, that's for sure. No one should randomly have moments where they feel that they are at a crippling stop, having heart palpation's and trying to figure what triggered that feeling all of a sudden. It's not fun.
Since this is my truth, I know it's real, for me at least. But it never fails that there is someone who looks at me like, "do you really have anxiety"? And I almost want to go, do you really think I'd make this up, do I need to pass out to prove it to you, do you want to feel my heart racing? It's no different than any other illness that has popped up over the last century. I'm pretty sure people were anxious even back in Biblical times. I can see it clearly when I read my bible that even since the beginning of time, people struggled with these feelings of uncertainty and worry, and yet it's 2019 and people don't get it. And them not getting it, makes me not get them...
For me, a lot of it is lack of control. Which is why I plan ahead the way I do, to try to remain somewhat in control of my life. Sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't. Granted, God is ultimately in control of my life anyway so all of my stressing is in vein but doesn't stop my brain from going astray. Again, this is my story, so that is my personal belief. I've learned that sometimes shit happens and you can't predict the future. I can't guess that tomorrow I may come to work and be asked to do a manual report that takes 5 hours... but something like that would trigger anxiety for me. So again, for me, a lot of it has been changing the way I think. Which is easier said than done, and I'm still working on it everyday. I'm also trying to not be so pessimistic all the time. Which is also ironic because when it comes to myself, I am the biggest pessimist but when I'm advising others, I am the biggest optimist lol. Backwards, right? But this is the stuff we do as humans. I'm human.
I've realized that this is something I will have to continue to work on, maybe forever. It's not just going to go away. Everyday I wake up praying for a clear mind to see things as they are and not how I think they may be. Now that I've sat down and really looked at it, I know how to manage it a lot better when I do have moments of anxiety. At times I am quiet to clear my head, others I want to talk & talk, I journal, I just go home and sing loudly, I dance badly until I am sweating, I do yoga, I go for a drive, I drink my tea, and sometimes I just pray those negative feelings away until I am at peace again. Those are things that work for me. But for others, this may look a lot different. It's all about what works for you and what will help you get through the day, and it's okay that it takes time to figure that out.
I guess my point is, Yes, We..I.. people really have anxiety. No, it's not made up. Yes, sometimes it's probably something I cause myself at times but sometimes, it's situational. No, it's not for attention. And YES, I'm working on it.
"There's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark. You should know you're beautiful just the way you are. And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart. No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful"
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